I can hardly see the words I type as tears fill my eyes.
Depression has come to visit me yet again.
I can no longer fake a smile.
I can no longer fake to give a damn anymore
I just want a hug and to be told “just wait, it’s what happens when you wait that matters”
I’m asking for too much
So I’ll just tell myself.
Everyday I’m getting a little stronger.
It’s okay to cry, let it out
I miss having family I miss having friends
Pastor talks about waiting on Jesus and I listen thinking how much longer do I have to wait?
I still have boobs
I’m still not in grad school
I’m just home making smoothies sending pics while people work and are living life and I’m almost 30 living off of disability.
I feel empty, unequal, worthless, lazy, stupid, just a bum
I physically am still recovering from a car accident from years ago. I’m recovering emotionally from a past that has left scars. I’m in recovery
In yet I say to Jesus, “I’m gonna wait on you”
I’m depressed but not faithless
I’m depressed but not hopeless
I’m depressed but not out
I’m depressed but going to keep fighting.
My faith will rise and like dust so will I
I’m choosing to be grateful that I have income. That I made one friend. That I have mom’s and a very special mentor mommy. That I have food. I’m going to be thankful that I have gadgets and coffee. I’m going to be grateful that I have a bed finally to myself. I’m going to be grateful I have a bunny and turtle. I’m going to be thankful that I have Jesus. I’m going to be grateful that I have Continuum, Elevation Church, Lakewood Church.
I’m depressed but choosing to fight every depressing thought with a thankful thought. I’m getting a little stronger. I just had to get this out.
People depression is real. And my medication will be adjusted and it will help until then I will wait on the Lord and be thankful. Because this could be a whole lot worse.
Pray I sleep Tonight.